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VersionsEdit

Garrett Long with The Novelty Syncopators in the musical The Confidence Man

LyricsEdit

It's no use pretending you're something that you're not
A maiden is only as maiden as she feels
In spite of the arrow that hits the beauty spot
A maiden is only as maiden as she feels
'Tho under the collar she is too hot not to trot—we all have our ideals
As long as her maiden name is all that she's got
A maiden is only as maiden as she feels

Enticed or inveigled, aroused or plain provoked
She's maiden as long as she keeps her pretty head
Seduced or molested, debauched, defiled or stroked
She's maiden as long as she keeps her little head
The most she'll admit to is having once been poked—until the maiden's wed!
Far from uncovered, she's never been uncloaked!
She's maiden as long as she keeps her maiden's head

When the wolf is at my door
I will face his roaring jaws
But I don't want to languish in his pregnant paws
I've been maiden in distress!
I've been maiden in demand!
The only maid I've never been is made by hand

While dreaming divinely, supinely or prone
A maiden is only as maiden as she feels
While satyrs massage an erogenous zone
A maiden is only as maiden as she feels
I've nibbled the sweetmeats and gnawed at the bone of life's exotic meals
I eat with my fingers, but I sleep alone!
A maiden is only as maiden as she feels

I eat with my fingers, but I sleep alone
A maiden is only as maiden as she feels....

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